The Life of a Young Mama

weekly blog about a mom of two.

New friends? — August 23, 2017

New friends?

“I don’t have any friends”

I’ve seen this on my Facebook timeline over the past few weeks and I really want to know what does this mean?

Was this posted out of anger or frustration or do these people genuinely have NO friends?

Are you actually the reason that you feel the way you do? Because maybe you do have friends but they’re not available at the times that you need/want them. Or maybe you don’t have friends but a lot of acquaintances… because you lack basic socializing skills or the drive to keep a friend is not in you.

Is it because you have a lot of friends for “turning up” but you don’t have a friend that wants to do dinner and girl chat? Or maybe you do have friends that you can gossip with but you don’t trust them enough to tell your everyday problems and seek advice.

When I see this, it bugs me… especially if it’s coming from someone who I consider a friend. Like what am I to you? It evens makes me think “am I not a good enough friend for you?” 

My family migrated from another country but not everyone followed. I only know a few family members. I’m not even close with my sisters and brothers who live in the United States. I don’t know what it’s like to have cousins or family that are of similar age so my friendships mean the world to me. I look at my female friends as sisters.

I admit I have trust issues so I don’t call everyone a “friend”. I’ve been stabbed in the back, side, and front from some of my closest “friends”. And I don’t have a lot of friends. But the people that I do give this title to mean the world to me! I would do anything to put a smile on their face and I am a listening ear at any time of the day.

So when I can’t find anyone to attend an event with me or I’m just plain bored with nothing to do, I don’t sit on social media and complain. Everyone has their own life to live and they are not entitled to be apart of mine when I want them to be.

If you feel like you’re always alone, how about attending networking events to expand your circle? If you’re not the face to face type of person, then join an online group. Facebook has a group for practically everything nowadays. Meet people that share the same interests as you in your area.

Stop putting these attention statuses up. You might actually turn your status into a reality but pushing off people that consider you a “friend” right out of your life.  Make a change either within yourself or the circle you choose to keep around you.

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What a man… — July 30, 2017

What a man…

When talking to someone new, I tell them that I’m looking for three things: honesty, loyalty, and good communication. Dats it. If we have this, we can make it and everything in our developing relationship will come naturally. If you’re honest with me, then I can trust you. If you’re loyal to me, then all walls are broken down. And if we can communicate our feelings whether positive or negative, then no one will ever have to assume or feel left out in the dark.

I am all about my man. No one I have ever dated can say that infidelity was a problem on my end. I sleep, breathe, and dream about you (Not in a creepy way). I’ll sit up all night trying to plan a personalized “just because” gift or learn how to cook your favorite dish. I’m also your #1 fan. I’ll help you turn your dreams into reality and help eliminate any obstacles that may come in your way.

That’s how it should be, right? Or am I completely lost in this generation?

I’ve seen too many people focus on the non-factors of their “spouse” and fall in love with bullsh*t. Or they have a good man/woman but they’re too blind to see that because their priority list is completely f**ked up.

Females will get upset over a man that doesn’t “like” their pictures on social media but it’s because their man is working hard trying to provide for the both of them. Females loving a man for his d**k and a dinner date every two weeks but he disappears when you need assistance with trying to better your life.

Men fall in love with a woman with a slim waist and fat a** but she has no job with no plans of getting one and is comfortable with living off of everyone around her. Or a man being upset that he can’t come home to a home-cooked meal every night from his lady but this is because she works full-time and takes care of their child so she’s exhausted at the end of the night.

As you’re reading this, ask your yourself, WHAT DOES MY SPOUSE BRING TO THE TABLE? What do I bring to the table?  And more importantly, should either of us be sitting at the same table?!

If no one is supplying or adding to the relationship, then find a way to fix it or MOVE ON. What’s the point of waiting for a delivery that was never scheduled to come? Relationships lead to marriage or some form of a “forever thing” if you don’t agree with marriage. But I’m slowly starting to think that my generation has forgotten that should be the goal.

I know people that are with someone that can’t give them a ride to work or the store in a time of need. I also know people who with someone they complain about Every day. Then there are others who are patiently waiting for their spouse to “act right” when their spouse has made it clear that they’re not changing anytime soon. I sit there, observing and screaming: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? 

I cannot say that I was always on the right track and I too have suffered from “lust” a few times in the past. But I learned from those mistakes and I observed others. I’ve seen true happiness in a relationship and the steps it takes to get there. It might be hard but it will never be a complete shit show.

On the other hand, if the sh*t show makes you happy, then hey have fun.

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Team no life. — July 16, 2017

Team no life.

PSA: Parents can have fun too… WITHOUT their kids.

Whether you’re married or you’re a single parent, you are still allowed to have your “me-time”. You can spend your alone time however you feel whether it’s an hour sitting on the toilet or a weekend vacation. And your alone time doesn’t necessarily have to be by yourself. You can choose to spend it with friends, other family, WHOEVER. This is your time to not worry about another human being.

People without children don’t understand the importance of this. I’m tired of seeing parents ridiculed on social media for taking a “break” from their children. Parents should not feel guilty for taking some time for themselves. Trust me, we feel the guilt.

When I went on my first post-baby vacation, I felt so bad for leaving Jay with my mom. The day before we left, he started to teeth. He ran a fever the entire four days that we were in California. I even cried after a conversation with my mom. I had to tell myself that he was in good hands. I took the vacation for a reason, so I needed to enjoy it.

When we returned to Michigan, I felt so refreshed. Although I missed my child, I also missed myself. I was able to re-connect with Karina. That trip also opened my eyes to the toxic relationship that I was in. I wasn’t able to really focus on it with everything I had going on at home. Being away and not having to worry about a single thing helped bring clarity to my life.

Everyone needs a mental break, parent or not. You need a break from your everyday activities and routine. You need to take a step on the other side and live life with no responsibilities. I really believe that everyone should take a mental vacation at least once a year. Go somewhere new and enjoy yourself. Enjoy your spouse or your friends, if you chose to invite them. YOU ONLY GET ONE LIFE.

I remember having a conversation with one of my friends who stated that she was scared to have kids at our age because she wouldn’t be able to do the things she wanted to do and she didn’t want to be away from her children. She wanted to spend every day with them. I laughed at her and she couldn’t understand why I found her reasoning to be so funny.

Listen: becoming a parent does NOT stop your fun. I’m sick of people making it seem like life stops after children. The fun just gets better and the fun is more appreciated. You can still do the things that you want to do, you have to have the drive to do it. Stop using children as an excuse for your boring life.

So the next time you see a parent post a picture on social media, praise them for taking that mental break that is well deserved.

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You only get one. — July 8, 2017

You only get one.

They say the prettiest girls have the lowest self-esteem. I admired those women a few years ago. I would look at the “pretty” girl and think she had it made… she had money, an education, friends, and of course she had the man (or men). Then I became friends with these girls and found out things that I needed to know to help with my self-growth.

These girls were unhappy.

They had a lot of self-hate.

These women chase after the things that they fear the most and subconsciously put themselves in bad situations only to turn around and ask the “why me” question.

They also seek attention from the wrong places (social media, the wrong people, etc).

But the worst part of it all, they were alone. Even with all the people around them, flocking to their every need, practically drooling at their feet, they felt ALONE.

Their “friends” were more like “fans”. No one was genuine.

Shocker? Not really. Because I understood the term “quality over quantity” at a very young age. I realized that in a group of ten, I could probably count on one, MAYBE two as my real friends. The others were “fillers”… just around to make the group look poppin” even though it’s not. You could do fun group activities but no one really liked each other.

That’s the scariest part of any friendship or relationship: trying to figure out who is really on your team. Who is rooting for you and not against you? Or who is just there to be nosey?

These women that I once admired actually admired me. They came to me for advice, they came seeking guidance. They thought my life was put together… HA. Crazy how the world works, right? They definitely taught me a very important life lesson: don’t envy the next.

I try to find the good in my life and appreciate everything I have. I appreciate the lessons that my mom has taught me. And I try my best to share those lessons and promote self-love to everyone I come in contact with. You only have one life. You have to make the best out of it and embrace those flaws!

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Fairy GOD-parents. — May 26, 2017

Fairy GOD-parents.

God-parents are like a second set of parents… a very, VERY close aunt/uncle… or your “unofficial” guardians. They take over when the parents can’t. When I was pregnant with Jay, I immediately knew who I wanted his god mom to be, well god-momS. At the time they were my best friends, N and C. Both were like sisters to me. I trusted them with my life.

Now, N and I fell out shortly after I had Julian. I’m still confused as to why? I’m not mad at her, never was. Jealously definitely played a factor throughout our entire friendship though. Other than that, she was a great person!

I knew our friendship had reached its expiration date but I never knew the relationship with my babies would end as well. We stopped talking around February of 2016, but she still sent presents for my youngest on certain holidays. It stopped by his third birthday, I heard nothing from her. She unofficially sent in her resignation letter.

Jaylen loved her. Julian never got the chance to get to know her. Oh well, I guess…

They’re still blessed by C, who has been a wonderful and prominent figure in their life. She has not missed a single event or milestones… perfect example of how this job is supposed to go.

Being given the title of “godparent” is an honor. I’m not talking about a number of gifts you buy or how much money you provide, I’m talking about being IN the child’s life. It’s your job to make sure they know who you are, always set a good example, and play an active role in the kid’s world.

I had godparents but I wasn’t aware they existed until I was sixteen. I don’t blame anyone but them for our non-existent relationship. They have made countless attempts to find a place in my life and I appreciate the effort but it’s just not the same. It’s funny how the world works because my “god-mom” and my mom went through the same situation N and I are going through now, but they eventually were able to mend their friendship. I don’t think there is any fixing of N and I, mainly because I don’t want anything to be fixed. I like it the way it is.

I miss her as a friend but I don’t want to be around someone who doesn’t think my children are important. I don’t want to expose them to a whishy-washy person, dropping in and out of their life as they please. I don’t regret giving her that title. It was definitely a lesson well learned.

Pick your friends and family wisely. Yes, you can’t necessarily pick who is your family but you can pick who you decide to bring around your kids.

And if someone chooses not to be in your kid’s life, then

LET THEM BE. It’s probably better that they stay away.

It’s probably better that they stay away.

Don’t chase the unwanted.

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RIP. — May 3, 2017

RIP.

Chivalry is completely dead.

I even had trouble spelling it, that’s how dead it is to my generation.

I was with one of my male friends the other day. I stopped at a gas station and as I proceeded to get out of the car I heard:

“Do you want me to pump the gas or do I have to do it?”

Excuse me… what?

Why is that even a question coming out of your mouth?

I’ve had random men come over and offer to pump my gas… granted they wanted my number but STILL. Chivalry people!

Should I not expect a man to open the door for me when I’m walking through a building? Should I not expect a man to know that he should always walk on the side closest to the road?

I’ve grown to like older men, although it’s hard to find a genuine, unmarried man. I don’t have to teach them. A majority of them know how a woman should be treated. Not saying the younger crowd doesn’t… there are a few that were taught right from wrong.

It’s sad that men of my generation lack these qualities but what’s even worse is that woman don’t know about chivalry either. They make fun of guys who actually do this or they’re startled by it. I admit I was a bit surprised when an old boyfriend of mine slapped my hand when I tried to open my car door. His exact words ewere:

“You don’t touch three things when you’re with me. Doors, chairs, and bills.”

Am I asking for too much? 

Sometimes I feel like maybe these things shouldn’t be expected from the men. Maybe I’m spoiled? Maybe I feel too highly of myself? But then I feel like I’m settling for less than I deserve. I’m adapting to the excuses and lowering my worth.

I’m raising two boys who will grow up to be men. They will be someone’s best friend, boyfriend, and husband. What I teach them reflects right back on me so I want to them to be the best representation of ME.

Doing these things are a choice. It’s also a sign of respect.

Men, please remember “it’s the little things that matter most”.

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Bye bye babies. — April 19, 2017

Bye bye babies.

We’re friends, right? So let’s get into another session of TMI w/ Kaycee.

I hate my boobs. I’m not sure if I mentioned this in a previous blog so…

If you’re one of my friends, you already know this and if you’re not well, you just learned something new. Before I had kids, I was trolling between 32 C/D. After my first born, I went up to a 34DD. While pregnant with my second, my chest spike to a 36DDD. Victoria Secret kicked me out of their club.

After he was born, I stayed at this size for a while because of breast feeding and then dropped down to a 32DD.

I’m satisfied with everything but my chest. These things either try to suffocate me when I’m laying on my back or they’re trying to escape from my bra if I lean forward. Bras… oh gawd, bras. Bra shopping is painful. I can only dream of buying a $10 bra from Forever 21 instead of throwing $60 on a new bra from some fancy boutique. Bralette tops are a no. Backless shirts are an absolute hell to the no. *sigh*

These things have a mind of it’s own. It’s like I’m constantly carrying around two toddlers on my chest. I’m about to do a DNA test on them and find their real owner because we clearly were not meant to be.

I’ve made up my mind, I’m getting rid of the extra set of twins. They have overstayed their welcome.

I’ve gotten SO much negative feedback about this.

Few women understand my everyday struggle. A lot of people don’t. They said I’m “selfish” and I should “appreciate what God gave me”. But this is coming from the same people that wear a full face of makeup everyday or workout to try and get a six pack. These are things that we weren’t born with (although a nice set of abs would be ideal). It’s something you chose to do. It’s something about you that you want to be different than how God originally created. So what’s wrong with me going down a few sizes in order to increase my self-love?

I’ve started saving and doing my research on different doctors in the area. The end goal is to get this done by 2019. To hell with the critics. They’ll be drooling over my new set of ta-tas.

“Stop complaining and start making changes”

Just make sure you’re going to be happy in the end.

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Lay those eggs. — April 12, 2017

Lay those eggs.

Take my money.

Take it all… Walmart, Target, Dollar Tree.. TAKE. IT.

I never really analyzed holidays and the meanings behind them until I had kids. It took a trip to the store for toilet paper only to come out with a cart full of junk for a holiday that’s two months for me to ask the question:

WHAT IS THIS HOLIDAY ANYWAY?

What is a Easter bunny? Does this thing lays eggs? What is his purpose? Is it even a man?! How can a male bunny lay eggs? And why are his eggs filled with expensive sh*t?

I saw an Easter basket that had a DVD player in it. I thought they were supposed to be filled with candy? An entire DVD player, guys. What 5-year-old child needs an entire DVD player as an Easter gift? So if I get them a DVD player for Easter then what in God’s name am I suppose to them for Christmas… their birthday… HOW DO YOU TOP THAT? This is getting kinda ridiculous (although I do hope that Easter basket lands on my doorstep this Sunday). 🙂

I’ll complain all day, every day about the crazy gifts for these holidays but I’m still going to buy it for my babies. I don’t plan on teaching them about the Easter bunny or these crazy fictional characters because I don’t understand the concept myself. My family wasn’t big on these holidays either growing up.

Halloween was one that my mom didn’t really partake in. She allowed me to dress up but I didn’t go trick or treating until I reached high school and no one wanted to give my grown a** candy. I do plan on doing the opposite with my kids. We’re dressing up every year and we’re having family themed costumes. And yes, they will hate me forever but I DON’T CARE.

Christmas is different. Every December, my mom made sure our home was decorated to the nines with lights and our tree was well lit with presents all for me. I’m practicing that with my boys and also starting a tradition of putting the tree up the day after Thanksgiving after visiting the drive-thru light show. I want to also start a tradition of attending the Thanksgiving parade as well if the weather permits or watching it on the big screen over a breakfast buffet.

Only thing that sucks about holidays is co-parenting. You can’t really stay true to the traditions every year because you may not be with your child. In an ideal world, you could create traditions with the other parent but that’s not the case for us. It would do more damage than good.

Anywho, holidays can get a little crazy. But try to remember the real reason behind them. Some looney person created these in order for us to bond with our loved ones. It serves some type of purpose even though it’s hard to see sometimes.

Happy Easter everyone.

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A wittle peek inside… — March 28, 2017

A wittle peek inside…

I was a man for a day. Not literally but mentally. I was able to sit down and have a deep conversation with several of my male associates. I got answers to many of my burning questions.

Have you cheated before?

Not surprised by the amount of “yes” I received. I was surprised by the people that said it because 8 out of 10 of them admitted to cheating on their current spouse… I’m talking relationships of 3+ years. These are some relationships that I used to envy. I guess everything that glitters ain’t gold.

Do you regret what you did?

Absolutely not. Everyone said it was worth it.

Wow.

A bit of a sad response but once again, I’m not surprised.

Why did you cheat? 

Many did it because of their unhappiness and dissatisfaction with their spouse. One said he cheated because he wanted to “get it out of his system before he got married”. Get what out of your system? The foundation you’re laying is rocky. You’re trying to build a relationship out of lies and unfaithfulness. Say the woman never finds out that you’re cheating and you get married, is it really going to be that easy to cut off a lifestyle you’ve had for months (maybe years) all because you have a ring on your finger?

I had a few say that they just loved to have sex. Okay, so what was your partner not doing to help satisfy your needs? Did you express that to them or did you expect them to figure it out on their own? Communication is key, guys.

Another interesting answer was that his woman “liked to be in control of everything and never let him be a man” so he “found someone who gave him his balls back”.

L – O – L.

Now I understand the whole pride thing. A lot of men feel the need to run the sh*t show. They want women to be submissive to them, be their yes man. That’s fine and all…. when you have a man who is able to handle that type of control. Some men can’t.

Good example is my ex. He tried and all he did was run our lives into a black hole. Our finances? Shambles. Our living situation? A fucking nightmare. Every time I gave him an inch of hope, he dragged us out a whole mile into nothingness. It was embarrassing. He didn’t have a mind of his own, he couldn’t handle his own life much less handle two others as well. He wasn’t ready to be “the man of the house” so I had to step up and fill shoes he was nowhere near fitting.

I think men and women forget that sometimes relationships fail because of our own flaws. It’s so easy to put the blame on others that sometimes we forget to analyze our own actions.

What do you bring to the table? Maybe the reason behind your unhappiness in a relationship stems from the lack of resources you provide.

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Super glue. — March 19, 2017

Super glue.

What is a leech? A female who literally cannot do anything without their spouse. They work and/or go to school and then run home to sit in their man’s face. Dats it. They just sit there… staring into his soul while he minds his own business, tending to his everyday activities while their girl is ignoring friends, family, and everything that doesn’t have to do with their man.

Most people would say I’m “bitter” because I’m not in a relationship. Well, that’s definitely not the case. I found leeches to be annoying while I had a whole a** man. Others might say that my exes have cheated on me so I haven’t experienced the type of love the leeches have. But naw, not every single man I’ve been with cheated on me. I have experienced the type of love when you want to be up under your man every single chance you get. But that type of love has never made me put aside my friends and family or my whole personal goals. Honestly 9 times out out ten, the man wants some space and doesn’t know how to tell the female. It’s very rare to see those feelings are mutual.

I have a few friends like this. We will make plans but they will drop me for their man in a hot quick minute. Now, I wouldn’t mind if they dropped out plans for a legitimate date with their boy toy. But they’re dropping our plans to sit and watch their man play a video game or watch him sleep. Am I just a bad friend? Am I not fun enough for you? 

I. Don’t. Get. IT.

What happens when all the left-behind friends are gone and now the man you threw them away for betrays you?  What are you going to do now that you’re all alone?

I’m really struggling trying to maintain some of the friendships I have in my life. It requires too much time and energy to keep trying with some people.

There’s more to life than your significant other.

Yes, it’s okay to be obsessed with someone but it’s okay to breathe a little. Take a little break from them and show appreciation to the other people you have in your life.

Listen… if a full-time working mother of two can clear her schedule for you, you can drop your man every once in awhile.

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