Since the end of May, I’ve been living in a state of confusion. I spent every waking moment trying to process the changes that were rapidly occurring in my life. On top of that, I had to fake a smile for family, friends, acquaintances, strangers… and my son. He’s almost two. He doesn’t know what’s going on and he’s depending on mommy to show him that everything is alright, even though they weren’t.
Well today, August 5, 2015, I can finally say that I am free. I’m free from the fake smiles because I can genuinely say that I’m happy. I’m free from the confusion because everything makes sense. I’m free from the fears I had because I’ve decided that there is nothing to be afraid of. I AM FREE!
You don’t know how good it feels to say that. I thought this healing process would take years. I thought I would never fully get back to being me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not 100% back yet. I’m at like a 90%. But in order for me to get to this point, I had to sit down and analyze everything that has happened in my life for the past two years, I come to the understanding that everything really did happen for a reason.
The only thing I’m struggling with now is forgiveness. I don’t think I can forgive my ex. I mean I know it’s possible to forgive but I, Karina, I do not think I can do it this time. How do you forgive someone of 2 years of infidelty, dishonesty, disloyalty, and mental abuse… like how do you do it? How can I turn off the cold-hearted bitch that comes out every time I see him? I do I stop myself from not wanting to rip every vein out of his body the moment anyone says his name?
Any suggestions, I can clearly use them.