When I started this blog, my child’s father and I were basically at war. I wanted to rip his penis off, throw it on the grill, and serve it to him as lunch. I honestly got to a point where I was over the bullshit and his entire existence on this earth. It was like he was doing or saying things just to get a reaction out of me and I gave him one every. single. time. I grew mad at the world because the torture seemed never ending… then I finally realized why. If you keep adding fuel to the fire, it will never go out. DUH KARINA.
Psalms 34:14 – Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
I stopped reacting. When it was necessary that we speak to each other, I remained calm. Even when he said or did stuff to piss me off, I never let it show that I was upset. It was as if I had no emotions at all. I prayed a lot, analyzed our arguments and his actions, and I learned from them. I learned how to react without reacting, if that makes any sense.
After about a month or so of practicing my new found skills, things actually got better. Not saying that they’re 100% perfect, because it will never be, but it’s better. I think he realized the changes I was making. He finally stopped trying to hop on every one of my nerves. He started to act like an adult, although he still relapses. There’s too much damage done and I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. But we have to co-parent for the rest of both of our children’s lives so we might as well be civil grown-ups.
As much as I dislike him, I still have days where I wish we weren’t where we are now. I will always have love for the kid. He’s the father of my children, how could I not? I wish I could come home to my children and their father under one household. I wish that we could still have our late night movies and cuddle sessions.
But… I lost that battle a long time ago.