Tomorrow, November 15th, is my birthday. My 23rd birthday to be exact.

Can you feel the excitement just peeping through this page? No? Good, because I’m far from it.

Now, I am the queen of birthday celebrations. My thinking is “go big and don’t go home”. I always get mad at my friends when they don’t overly plan a huge celebration like I do every year on this special day that’s dedicated to them. The day you came into this world and blessed everyone with your presence. The day that screams YOU all over it.

But here I am, emotionless and uninterested.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m turning 23 and my life is completely in shambles or if it’s the fact that I’m two years away from the age that I hope to have my life completely together.

I’m a person that’s all about plans. I plan everything out, my future life included. The vision I had in my head for when I turned 23 has changed so much over the years. Before baby and entering a rather serious relationship, I thought I would already have my bachelor’s degree because originally I was suppose to graduate in 4 years at the age of 21. I figured I would either be in graduate school (or done with that as well) and hoped to be in a serious relationship with a man AND a company that I planned on building my career in. I also hoped to be out of Michigan!

Fast forward to after my first born…

I quickly changed my plans because switching schools set me back in credits so my graduation date had changed. This time, my 23-year-old goals were to be married or engaged to my ex (then current boyfriend/baby daddy), getting a house together, graduating of course, waiting for him to finish culinary school so we could leave Michigan, getting a dog and starting on baby #2.

Now fast forward to the present…

I am single and pregnant with baby #2 for my ex who I can’t seem to get along with, graduating in a month with my bachelor’s degree and I have NO IDEA what I’m going to do or where I’m going to work. I can’t even really get started on the job search since I am really showing at 30 weeks pregnant and my due date is literally a month after graduation. Every job I try to apply for wants me to start immediately after I graduate which obviously can’t happen with a baby expected at any minute.

Every day I get the same question: “what are your plans for after graduation?” and every day I give the same blank look on my face and reply with “I have no clue”.

Can anyone else relate? You ever just felt like you’re just not ready to be a year older? Like, can I just stay 22 for another year until I figure this thing called life out? Please??!