Everyone has that one ex that they always will run back to… me, on the other hand, I have a couple.

I’m the type to give people a second, third, and fourth chance. I don’t know why. No matter how bad they hurt me, I will always lend an ear and hear them out. I just don’t believe in giving up on people until there is literally no reason to keep them in your life.

If you don’t know by now, I am a Christian. I believe there is a God and I talk to him on a daily basis through prayer. When I broke up with my children’s father, I really lost my connection with God. I kept blaming him for everything and asking “what did I do to deserve this, why are you doing this to me”. After a month or two of the nonsense, I realized that a lot of decisions I had made and the outcomes of my poor decisions could’ve been prevented if I hadn’t pushed God away. So, I decided to bring him back into my life.

I thought I was doing better. I thought I had finally found my happy place. I thought all of the feelings I once had for my ex were gone, but I soon realized that true feelings never really die…

I was really focused on living a more positive life and I knew it all had to start with my ex, the person I felt was bringing the most negative energy into my world at the time.  Lots of text messages turned into phone calls and slowly but surely the feelings I thought were gone slowly surfaced again. I felt myself thinking “well, what if I did this” and “maybe this could work someday”. But these feelings were very inconsistent, one day things would be good and then the next it was back to where we once were before.

I’m writing this because I’m really confused. I guess I could blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

A part of me wants my family together, I mean who wouldn’t? I never imagined raising two boys on my own. Never thought I would be scheduling parenting time with him, packing an overnight bag every week. This whole thing makes me sick to be honest. As much as I say I can’t stand the man sometimes, I truly do love him. He was my best friend.

But… the other side of me is screaming “NO KARINA”. This past week or two, I’ve been reflecting on our conversations. We haven’t had many, but the few we did have were very lengthy. One thing I haven’t heard come from him is anything positive about me. It’s a lot of what I did or didn’t do which lead up to him cheating but he never mentions the good qualities about me. He never once said he missed me. He always says he loves me but never once said he was ever or still is IN LOVE with me.

Is this my sign to move on?

I know you’re probably like “girl, cheating should’ve been your sign to move on” … I know, I know.

But seriously, I’ve been asking God to show me a sign that will allow me to either:

A) move on entirely with my life and close this chapter forever

or

B)  keeping fighting for this and give this another shot

But am I holding on to something that isn’t there… ?

giphy

Advertisements