The Life of a Young Mama

weekly blog about a mom of two.

Dating again. — August 19, 2015

Dating again.

Dating when I was younger was a breeze. In high school, I spent about 8 hours, 5 days a week with boys.. I had friends at different schools with boys.. I met boys at my track meets, other school dances.. boys were everywhere. It’s basically the same setup in college, only this time it was a little challenging. Everyone was in their prime freshman and sophomore year so sex was the hot topic. No one wanted a real relationship until maybe junior or senior year when they realized that there was more to life than keeping a tally of how many one night stands they had. I came into college with my “high school sweetheart”.. yeah, that love didn’t last long after finding out he cheated on me from the very beginning. Then I casually dated but nothing too serious until my junior year when I met my recent ex and child’s father. Of course, I thought he was the one until I recently discovered he’s a lying, wack job with serious commitment issues and only kept me around so he could avoid getting put on child support.

This whole 21 and up world is fairly new to me. I’ve outgrown clubs and moved on to bars. I’m out of the “let’s see how many shots we can take before we pass out” phase and into the “let’s grab dinner and maybe have a drink or two” era. This whole 21 and up world is quite confusing ya know? And having kids at 22 just makes it way more complicated!

So where do I exactly go to find Mr. Right when I’m ready?

In a bar or at church? Will I find him at the grocery store or through mutual friends? OR do I just sit around and let him find me?

I’m 4 1/2 months pregnant, 18 weeks tomorrow to be exact so obviously I won’t be dating anytime soon. (Because the whole being pregnant by another man thing is not really something that attracts other men.. lol) But I can already tell this is going to be one LONG process once I am ready!

Pink or blue? — August 14, 2015

Pink or blue?

Okay, I have a confession to make.. my name is Karina and I am addicted to everything that has to do with baby girls. From the moment I found out that women could conceive, I’ve wanted a little girl, a little mini me.. but a slightly girlier version of me. I loved playing with barbie dolls, doing their hair, dressing them up…all of the above. I owned one male barbie that was the “whore” around town. He was all macho manly and got every girl barbie preggers.

Lol… I got a little off topic there.

But seriously this is what I dreamed off since I was little. So, of course when I found out that Jaylen was a boy, I was upset. I got over it pretty quickly since I knew I wanted two kids before I went on life birth control. I felt I had one more shot to get my girl.. and that time has come! Since finding out I was preggo with baby #2 and actually becoming excited for this baby, I’ve done nothing but sit on Pinterest for 20 hours of the day. I’ve already picked out a first and middle name, a color scheme for her nursery, found every cute flower headband I could find, and even got the sibling t-shirts picked out for the two kids.

I’m obsessed. I know… this is bad. I shouldn’t be so ahead of myself, but I’m too far in and I can’t get out! AH!

It better be a girl.

It has to be a girl!

I mean come on, how can you look at things like this and not want a girl?

Adorable right?!
Click pic to find on Etsy!
Another post on Pinterest that I’m officially obsessed with!
Definitely getting this!
Definitely getting this!

I’m 17 weeks, 2 days today, 160 more days to go! I’ve done all the old wives quizzes and tales.. I’m craving pretty much nothing since morning sickness is still alive and well but when I do it’s something salty, belly is damn near non-existent but when I eat it sits high, my face is breaking out all over, and baby’s heart beats 150 per minute. What do you guys think I’m having, pink or blue? Leave a comment below! 🙂

Young Mama Post # 4: Got 99 problems but… — August 12, 2015

Young Mama Post # 4: Got 99 problems but…

These months leading up to baby #2 aka deuce (for now) are exciting.. Jaylen turns two, I celebrate my 23rd birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and then my graduation!! I’m the type to document everything with pictures… lots and lots of pictures. I was thinking maybe combining Jaylen’s 2-year-old pics with my maternity pics. I wanted to take maternity pictures with Jaylen but I was extremely depressed. I went from being 130 to 190 during my pregnancy with him, the biggest I’ve ever been in life. I kept trying to tell myself: “it’s just the baby weight, it will go away after he comes…” but nothing seemed to help kick my depression’s a-s-s. So instead, I opted out of the maternity pics, ducked and dodged everyone who owned a phone with a camera .. and I truly regret it.

Jaylen turns two at the end of next month. My original plan was to get pics done before his birthday but I don’t have that cute round belly like I did with him. I’ll be 17 weeks tomorrow and I do not look anywhere near pregnant. It’s to the point where my child’s father questions my pregnancy every time he picks Jaylen up for his visits (asshole right? lol). SO maternity/Jay’s 2nd-year photos are postponed until my cute little/big belly appears! 🙂

I need advice though! Has anyone done a joint photoshoot like mine? What are some cute creative ideas that I could possibly steal from you guys? I’ve spent every waking moment on Pinterest but I’d love to hear some new ideas!

Now on to my next task at hand: trying to find a cute, classy but sexy graduation dress… sounds easy right? Well, I forgot to mention that I’ll be 8 (close to 9) months pregnant when I take that walk across the stage. See my problem now? This is my ONE and ONLY graduation from college. I never imagined being pregnant when I finished school. I’ll be 23.. I’m young. I want to feel young on my big day, not feel like a 30-year-old woman with eight kids. But why is it so hard to find a dress to match my wants and needs? HELP.. SOMEONE… PLEASE?

Finally free. — August 5, 2015

Finally free.

Since the end of May, I’ve been living in a state of confusion. I spent every waking moment trying to process the changes that were rapidly occurring in my life. On top of that, I had to fake a smile for family, friends, acquaintances, strangers… and my son. He’s almost two. He doesn’t know what’s going on and he’s depending on mommy to show him that everything is alright, even though they weren’t.

Well today, August 5, 2015, I can finally say that I am free. I’m free from the fake smiles because I can genuinely say that I’m happy. I’m free from the confusion because everything makes sense. I’m free from the fears I had because I’ve decided that there is nothing to be afraid of. I AM FREE!

You don’t know how good it feels to say that. I thought this healing process would take years. I thought I would never fully get back to being me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not 100% back yet. I’m at like a 90%. But in order for me to get to this point, I had to sit down and analyze everything that has happened in my life for the past two years, I come to the understanding that everything really did happen for a reason.

The only thing I’m struggling with now is forgiveness. I don’t think I can forgive my ex. I mean I know it’s possible to forgive but I, Karina, I do not think I can do it this time. How do you forgive someone of 2 years of infidelty, dishonesty, disloyalty, and mental abuse… like how do you do it? How can I turn off the cold-hearted bitch that comes out every time I see him? I do I stop myself from not wanting to rip every vein out of his body the moment anyone says his name?

Any suggestions, I can clearly use them.