The Life of a Young Mama

weekly blog about a mom of two.

Leaving it in 2015. — December 26, 2015

Leaving it in 2015.

First and foremost,  HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas with their loved ones.

Jaylen and I had a blast. I’ve come to the conclusion that Jaylen is definitely spoiled and has way too many toys that a two-year-old should have. I want to donate but the toy level will balance out once JuJu gets here so I’m storing them until further notice. Being spoiled isn’t always a bad thing… well majority of the time it is… but to me it means that I am able to provide for my child. I’d rather he have everything he could ever want and more than not have enough.

So after the unfortunate incident that occurred last night, I had time to reflect and realize that 2016 is NEXT FREAKING WEEK. Does anyone else feel like this year went by entirely too fast? Did we celebrate every holiday? Skip a month or two? I feel like this year was a blur.

With the New Year approaching quickly comes everyone’s New Year resolutions. I’m that person that makes a massive list every year and I’ve already broken half of my resolutions by January 2nd. But I’m going to make a list anyways!

  1. Minimize my cursing: I’m fairly good around Jaylen because I would hate for him to pick up on bad habits from me. I’m learning that you don’t need to curse to express anger, sometimes those big intellectual words do more damage and get your point across better!
  2. Me, myself and I: Everyone should take some time out for themselves. I rarely did that in 2015. When I was with my ex, he worked a lot so Jaylen and I were attached at the hip. I love my kid, but I was starting to understand the gibberish that was coming out of his 1-year-old mouth because I was around him ALL THE TIME. Next year, I want to have a girls night at least once or twice every month. I also want to spend more time with adults and pamper myself because hey I deserve it! Moms.. dads, YOU DESERVE IT! Whether it’s spending time with a significant other or spending time alone, you must give yourself a day every once in a while where kids are not around.
  3. Positive vibes only: I’m happy to say that I don’t have to question anyone in my life. My current friends have been around for some years now and I trust them. I don’t question their loyalty and I know their true intentions. I want to keep it that way in 2016. When you keep negative people around you, your life will constantly be filled with negativity. No matter what you do to create a positive environment, it will also be blocked by that one person who just doesn’t want to see you happy.
  4. Pre-pre baby body: Yes, I want to lose weight and yes, I know this is very cliche. I want to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but not from this pregnancy. I guess I shouldn’t use the word “weight” because I know I obviously will never weigh 130 pounds again. Not with my new found hips and boobs. But I want my hour glass body back. The body were I could put on anything and it would look good on me… and I felt good in it! I didn’t have to worry about a roll sticking out here or there.  I’ve been doing pretty well this pregnancy with my eating habits and exercise. Jaylen made me crave Taco Bell every hour on the hour and Julian made me crave a lot of fruit and veggies… and maybe a cheeseburger here and there. So, I’m hoping the snapback will be REAL after this and then I can work on defining and shaping my body the way I want it to be.

What are some of your “New Year resolutions”?

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Boob problems. — December 20, 2015

Boob problems.

I really regret the way I fed Jaylen for the first year of his life. I absolutely failed at breastfeeding. At the time, we weren’t financially stable and every parenting/birthing class cost a million dollars. So I attempted to teach myself through YouTube videos. What these videos failed to inform me was that if I didn’t use my supply like I should then my supply would slowly decrease day by day until milk production stopped altogether. I don’t know why I just thought milk would swim in my boobs for at least a year.

They also failed to mention that newborns eat like every freaking minute of the day. I would feed him then two hours later he would cry and I would automatically think that my milk was not filling him up so I would give him a couple ounces of formula instead of just giving him the boob again.

I was extremely jealous of friends and family who were successful at breastfeeding… they all shared one thing in common: SMALL BOOBS. I was sitting there with my triple D’s struggling & thinking that I was suffocating my baby every time I fed him while my friends were just able to pop their kids on and off with ease.

All of these things plus the stress of taking 15 credit hours at my university, lack of food intake, and working with a single breastpump, my breastfeeding journey ended at about 5 weeks postpartum.

I was DEVASTATED.

My plan was to breastfeed Jay until he started to get teeth, but my milk supply vanished before my baby was able to hold his own head up!

I don’t want to knock down any moms who feed their babies formula. I personally hate it. I cried when I had to officially switch over completely. I don’t trust formula. I read the back of a can of formula once and noticed that it’s not sterile. That’s why they want you to boil the water and mix the formula the water while it’s still somewhat hot in order to kill bacteria. There’s something about that powder… I just… don’t… trust.

I’m hoping to be more successful with Julian. I plan to breastfeed until he is at least 6 months old. I have purchased a double breast pump from Medela for when I return back to work. I also took several breastfeeding classes, because of course one is not enough (jokes). And I’m currently stocking up on every high-quality maternity bra I can find …. on sale because they’re freaking expensive.

Whether you breast or bottle feed your child, you’re feeding them and that’s all that matters. No need to explain your reason for why you chose to do it a certain way.

Happy feeding mamas! 🙂

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Out with the old. — December 13, 2015

Out with the old.

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”   -Robert Tew

I have no idea who that guy is but I love this. It popped up as my daily quote on my momentum add-on for Google chrome. I definitely needed to see this.

I’ve had a pretty stressful week. I should be celebrating my up-and-coming graduation. I should be getting excited for my son’s arrival. I should be getting ready to enjoy the holidays with my loved ones. But instead for the past week, I’ve had to make some pretty difficult decisions. I won’t get into details but just know it was hard. Involved a lot of tears and headaches, arguments and disagreements. But in the end, I don’t regret a thing.

If you ever feel like you’re not happy, you have to really sit down and analyze why that is. Why is it that one minute you have a smile on your face and the next day you can’t stop the tears. You have to analyze who and how people affect you. You have to analyze what you’re doing to yourself because YOU ultimately have the final decision on your happiness.

Let’s just say that I finally figured it out. The chapter is officially closed.

Sad b*tch city. — December 3, 2015

Sad b*tch city.

Everyone has that one ex that they always will run back to… me, on the other hand, I have a couple.

I’m the type to give people a second, third, and fourth chance. I don’t know why. No matter how bad they hurt me, I will always lend an ear and hear them out. I just don’t believe in giving up on people until there is literally no reason to keep them in your life.

If you don’t know by now, I am a Christian. I believe there is a God and I talk to him on a daily basis through prayer. When I broke up with my children’s father, I really lost my connection with God. I kept blaming him for everything and asking “what did I do to deserve this, why are you doing this to me”. After a month or two of the nonsense, I realized that a lot of decisions I had made and the outcomes of my poor decisions could’ve been prevented if I hadn’t pushed God away. So, I decided to bring him back into my life.

I thought I was doing better. I thought I had finally found my happy place. I thought all of the feelings I once had for my ex were gone, but I soon realized that true feelings never really die…

I was really focused on living a more positive life and I knew it all had to start with my ex, the person I felt was bringing the most negative energy into my world at the time.  Lots of text messages turned into phone calls and slowly but surely the feelings I thought were gone slowly surfaced again. I felt myself thinking “well, what if I did this” and “maybe this could work someday”. But these feelings were very inconsistent, one day things would be good and then the next it was back to where we once were before.

I’m writing this because I’m really confused. I guess I could blame it on the pregnancy hormones.

A part of me wants my family together, I mean who wouldn’t? I never imagined raising two boys on my own. Never thought I would be scheduling parenting time with him, packing an overnight bag every week. This whole thing makes me sick to be honest. As much as I say I can’t stand the man sometimes, I truly do love him. He was my best friend.

But… the other side of me is screaming “NO KARINA”. This past week or two, I’ve been reflecting on our conversations. We haven’t had many, but the few we did have were very lengthy. One thing I haven’t heard come from him is anything positive about me. It’s a lot of what I did or didn’t do which lead up to him cheating but he never mentions the good qualities about me. He never once said he missed me. He always says he loves me but never once said he was ever or still is IN LOVE with me.

Is this my sign to move on?

I know you’re probably like “girl, cheating should’ve been your sign to move on” … I know, I know.

But seriously, I’ve been asking God to show me a sign that will allow me to either:

A) move on entirely with my life and close this chapter forever

or

B)  keeping fighting for this and give this another shot

But am I holding on to something that isn’t there… ?

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